I Don't Know How To Handle It!!

The greatest feeling in the world has to be when your children are born . There's nothing on this planet that has the same effect . Luckily for me I have experienced this feeling twice . I am so very thankful for the opportunity to be a father ! 

Now I have another feeling that I have never felt before that holds the same weight and gravity . Age of a loved one . For a lot of my youth I felt that I didn't belong in this world . I felt that my life had no purpose and my death would benefit all the people I know . I hated who I was , not me as a person but me as a whole . There was never any real reason for this other than a strong urge that my life was never meant to be . So yeah, like others I tried three times . Obviously I failed , in writing this now . How does this have anything to do with this new feeling ? Everything! While going through that terrifying time in my life my family was always there to pick me up . Of coarse I had to get on my own two feet but, they were always there . My grandfather has always been there for me . At every step, every big decision . He was there to give me advice and answer the questions that I myself couldn't answer . He taught me how to be a man . He showed me that life isn't so hard. He showed me that you should always have an answer for why . Always be available . 

I love my grandfather very much ! He was always a strong man, mentally and physically. He was as healthy as any human being could possibly be . Here is where I struggle . During my time of self hate I never stopped to think about aging or death. Not even the things that could occur because of or during the again process. I knew everything comes to an end but, for me this was so far away . Now I am 32 and my grandfather 76 . He's not as strong as he used to be and instead of answers he now says I don't know . I'm having such trouble seeing this happen to him . Tonight I went over to talk to him and see how he was feeling . I watched the man that was so strong , look confused . Not sure of where he is , so it seemed . Taking small steps . I don't know where this part of my life is going to bring me . I have never seen nor have had anyone that I am close to and love so much go through this . Know what happens after all this scares me . Yes I am a father , a husband, a son , a grandson, a nephew , a cousin , and a friend . I still don't know how to handle this . 

Casting a Verbal Reflection onto a Mirror it Doesn't stick to!

Confusing title? Yeah , hopefully it will make sense in a min. We all engage in something in life that we look back at and say how did I ever agree to that! Don't get me wrong when I tell you what moment in my life I'm talking about , it taught me a lot and I gain the most precious thing in the world, my daughter. The moment I look back at is marrying or even talking to her mother, my ex wife . 

I think how did I miss the red flags ? Why did I keep the relationship even though the beginning had many downs . Answer, I was not in a place in my life at the time to know what to look for . I was young and just want to be interesting to someone and she found me . People say that there must have been good times. There were few compared to the bad . The one and only absolute good thing was my daughter . The rest was learning from it . Learning about relationships and who I was and who I was to become from it . 

When it was all said and done I learned a lot about myself. I stayed single for a long time . During that time she entertained many men . My only concern was my daughter . Now she's ten and I see many of her mothers character flaws coming out as personality traits. It's tough but I'm learning how to react to it . 

Needless to say her mother hasn't changed . But now her mother makes choices that are not in my daughters best interest and she has no clue why I'm not ok with them. Then suddenly she starts to cast her reflection on me but it won't stick. She tells me that I'm insecure and miserable , childish, and stick in the past! All things that she is but because she can't hear her own conscience she thinks it's me when in this mirror it's her own face she should be seeing. Even after given the warning not to play on the razors edge because the woman behind the curtain will be revealed , she does not stop . Her lies and accusations become her truth which turns into people's ideas of who I am . This mirror reflect back who she's is will reveal her true nature and bring to close the lies . I am not insecure , nor and I miserable ! I am not a story teller but, a presenter of truth!

How do you show someone that the reflection they are casting onto a teflon mirror is their own? 

The Simple This are Sometimes the best set Things

This weekend was like any other weekend except for Sunday. My fiancee had to work all day and my son and I had all day to hangout. Most weekends we do fun things in the house but, it usually the same things as every other. This day was different because I struggle to find something to do that my son would enjoy. So I decided to seek out an inflatable boat. I looked through a lot of websites and found one in stock at Dicks Sporting Goods . Its called the Explorer 300.

Sunday was a beautiful day to go out on the water. A little windy but still a great day. It was simple ,  drive to the water , inflate the boat , put my sons life jacket on and, watch him enjoy the day. Its brings me back to simply times when I was a kid. We didn't search for fun, we made it happen and it was usually always outside enjoying the fresh air . Needless to say my son loved it! 

Expected and Unexpected

We live in a world run by the dollar and supplemented by ignorant , arrogant young adults. Mix in a little sensitivity and the occasional , " I,m going to sue you ", phrase and you have what we now call a civilized society. If you ask me it sucks ! It makes you wonder how the majority of these people make it through life.

The first of these to cases is the millennial. Ah... the oh so annoying and self entitling group of people on the planet! I recently had a flight to go pick up my daughter for the summer. It was the first of four flights I had that day and, sitting next to me was a young girl who appeared to be in her twenties. She was quiet and didn't say much of anything, then again I had no interest in talking much either. The flight attendants started their routine safety demonstration and also informed us that the flight had WiFi. So , I followed the steps to set it up on my phone and noticed others doing the same. The only issue was, it did not connect to the planes WiFi. After several minutes I had come to the conclusion that the WiFi provided by the plane is not on. The girl sitting next to me was having the same trouble so I said, " Mine is not connecting either , maybe they didn't turn the WiFi on". To my surprise to quickly reveal that she was one of those people I do not enjoy being around. She replied with " Well, i'm a millennial , we know everything about technology." With that said the flight was definitely going to be silent.

The second set of people get offended by most things in life, especially if its the truth. Let me share with the opposite side of that. On my second flight I was seated next to a man that was maybe ten years older that I am . He was this and about the same height. No i was not checking him out , this is just a simple observation that is important for the story. Myself on the other hand , i'm a bit larger . yet there was plenty of room and it would be a comfortable flight. Next , comes the part where most people would get offended but, not me . After everyone was seated , one of the flight attendants gently and quietly leaned over and let me know that there were open seats where no one was sitting and , asked if i would like to sit there and be more comfortable. I accepted and move two rows back. The same flight attendant spoke with another gentleman on the flight and he did the same . Seeing that maybe me happy. Just that simple act helped me to know that she does her job well . She like to make sure her passengers are comfortable, and that is great. Obviously she noticed that I, as well as the other man are larger than most and was looking out for our well being. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks that way and , in moments like that most people get offended. They bitch and moan , whine and cry, because they feel that they are being picked on. Whats really happening is an honest attempt to make you happy while running the risk of encountering a douche bag.

For all you sensitive overweight assholes out there , please do us all a favor. Either accept the truth and do something about it or just shut up! To the millennials with the telephone size poles in their ass, please, please, put down your phone and be a real person. Then realize the world does not revolve around you and all that you think you know is not found in technology.

DHSWLAAS Syndrome

Everyone knows about DHSWLAAS Syndrome. Its something that at least one person you know suffers from. Its no less dangerous than drugs and alcohol. It is , Don't Hear Shit While Looking At A Screen Syndrome.

As you can see this is the ear . All these little part allow us to hear a large range of sounds . We have the ability to hear a variety of different sounds. We can alter this in a few ways . Ear plugs, which are put in place to protect the ear . Headphones that are used for entertainment and if used improperly can cause damage. Then there is DHSWLAAS. Now keep in mind that some people were not born with or have had experiences that have caused them to no longer have the ability to hear . This syndrome does not apply to them. 

Here is how this syndrome works. The ear uses vibration to process sound and send it shooting down the auditory tube to your brain to be identified. Ear plugs soften the vibration of loud noise and cancel out the vibration of soft sounds. Headphones provide there own sound that cancels out all noise but, sometimes having them up to loud can do damage. DHSWLAAS is different. It cancels out all sound while still allowing vibration. It does this by placing an invisible barrier in front of the auditory canal.

This effects people that use any device with a screen. Its not all people and in many cases the severity is different . This also occurs more with cellular  phone screens more then other devices.

So if you suffer from this syndrome I suggest you limit your time in front of a screen or see a doctor. This disease effects more than just your plans for the day. It can effect your family , your job, and if it occurs in a motor vehicle , you can seriously injury some one or cause their death . So please pull your head out of your ass and pay attention.

Not to sound evil but....

One of my biggest pet peeves while driving is pedestrians . Don't get me wrong Its not all the people walking around that bothers me. I understand that many of us don't have a vehicle or choose to walk . I also understand that they have somewhere to be whether its work or other adventures. I'm talking about a specific type of pedestrian . The zombie pedestrian, slow walking , immune to the world around them, common senseless pedestrians.

These people...

We live in a world , where info travels at light speed all over the world . No one misses a beat. So we all have seen the many PSA about driving while texting . You know, the ones where people raise a card with the last text that the person driving sent, the reason they died. 

Even though we are all well prepared with the knowledge of what texting and driving can do , there are still those that miss the memo. 

I think there should be an additional PSA for the Zombie pedestrian. I see a pedestrian in the cross walk and i slow down and let them cross safely. When a zombie pedestrain decides to answer a call or text while walking across the street it make you think why did I stop . so my suggestion for a zombie pedestrian PSA would be a little different. 

I would open with a car moving through a city street or a parking lot . The driver is fully aware of the surroundings. They let people cross , and they get to a cross walk and spot the zombie pedestrian. The drive slows to a stop and instead of waiting nails the gas with their head out the window yelling. The screen would go black and slowly letter by letter a message is revealed and you can see what the driver is yelling.

"Your next text should be your not going to make it......"

In today's society tensions are always running high and you maybe that lucky zombie pedestrian that gets the guy or girl that is having a bad day and could care less. So beware and cross the damn street!!!

What do you think a needed PSA?

I Love my Job

Its the year 2016. The world is moving forward fast but, greed is is growing with it. I may not make the big bucks but , I like what I do . The hours are great , most people are great too, the job itself is easy if you are willing to learn it.

Its just so amazing though that people with a similar (not actual job, just the frame work) setup I have for employment want so much more than they are willing to put in. They get to a certain point where they have gained additional responsibility and have to put in a little more effort, then the crying and bitching starts. Words start to spew from them like vomit, " why don't they treat me better", why don't I get paid more," Why does that person make more than me". I guess in some sense I could say the same but i won't . 

I like having a good work ethic and putting it to good use. What ever happen to the pursuit of knowledge, The warm feeling of being needed , the cool calmness of having the respect of those around you , or just being proud of the work you produce because it came from you and your work ethic.  

I love having the responsibilities that I have and the great feeling I get when i have done something right and might of had to go a few extra miles to do it. People do respect me , and they do need me . If more monetary value doesn't come from it so be it. I rather work hard at something I enjoy doing just for the simple things I get out of it than, waste my time not growing and chasing a piece of currency that does have a future beyond what its printed on. 

For those of you that rather chase money instead of grow as a person, think of what the world might be if you only have your work ethic and integrity to feed your family. Where would you be, who would you be and how will your family end up?

Just a Glimpse into my Old Self

You burn your bridges and everyone on them,
With flame so bright they hide the intent and ghosts that dance between their flicker,
To ashes with your enemies until you reanimate them to move and your lifeless drones,
The most manipulated and deceitful of agendas,
You harvest the hearts and souls to feed the evil within,
Your offspring take a backstage appearance to the wants and desires, you stress are, yours to have,
The only thing that matters to you is the filling of that dark abyss like evil breath of life,
You are a sucubus ,
There are no other words ,
None such more evil to strip the facade from that cold animation.

For a long time when I was younger I struggled with self hate for no good reason. Without pills or hospitals , I taught myself to accept me for who I am and never let anyone run me down. I did this through drawing . While I was under that dark cloud I would write. Really dark pieces revealing my soul on paper . I would fill pages upon pages with well written works . To over come this I took to a different for of expression . I would grab a pencil and my sketch book and draw until those feelings pasted . Nothing specific or identifiable would come out, just a drawing that allowed the pain to flow out onto the paper.

I got older and I am a different person. I no longer get to the point of drawing but I do sometimes write when something is really bothering me.

For the past eight and a half years I have been battling a sucubus also known as my ex wife . Hence the reason for my writing and this post .

Sometimes the breeze is all you need ..........and Then....

The other day I was sitting outside on the back porch smoking a cigarette just taking in the surrounding sounds . It reminded me of a time when I used to sit on a bench at the beach and listen and watch the waves . This time it was bamboo that is growing in the backyard. Yes, its a pain in the ass plant, that that is very hard to get rid of but , it has a unique appeal. 

Just sit back and watch how it moves with the breezes .Listen to how the wind gently caresses each leaf and the gently creaking of the bamboo as it dances . 

.......and then......

Its all ruined by the messy white shit that falls from the sky in the wrong season!!

There goes the nice sound of the breeze  and gentle creaking . Instead you get the sound of globs of snow dropping as it melts and the cracking of bamboo as it snaps from the weight of the snow! so much for relaxing!

Not a White Thing

For a long time I have heard, " Your the whitest Puerto Rican I have ever met". To be honest it makes me laugh. How do you act a color or, doing things that represent a color ? Yes you can represent a nationality , a culture, or an ethnic group but, within all of these the colors are different. So if we all acted a color then the census would have to have a lot more pages then it does to cover the entire color spectrum and, include shades to determine the severity of the color group you belong to . Where would you put all the orange  sunless tanning people?

Staying on topic. Yesterday a, gordito bean of a man from my own ethnic background , said I was a white Puerto Rican . It wasn't because I have a lighter pigment to my skin then he does but , because I like heavy metal and I have tattoos, and I don't speak Spanish. I don't expect people to enjoy what I listen to but, at least understand and not be ignorant to the fact that heavy metal music is not specific to ethnicity, gender, or color.  So I did some searching and i think the next to videos should clear things up .

Not a white Thing Part 2

If that's not enough here's a list:

Argentina
Hermética

V8 (band)
Almafuerte (band)
Rata Blanca
Tren Loco
Alakrán
Horcas
Kamikaze
Riff
El Reloj
Nepal (band)
A.N.I.M.A.L.
Arraigo
Tersivel
Bolivia
Anomalía
Dominique
Dead Memories
Ztate Of Mind
Dragón de Comodo
Delanz
Hate
L.A. Nekra

Brazil
Angra - a Power Metal band that takes occasional influence from traditional Brazilian music, especially on their Holy Land and Temple of Shadows albums, particularly the song 'The Shadow Hunter' off the latter album.
Tierramystica - a folk/power metal band that uses both native Brazilian and Portuguese instruments.

Chile
Alejandro Silva - Instrumental heavy metal guitarist of the Alejandro Silva Power Cuarteto.
All Tomorrows
Atomic Aggressor
Criminal
Coprofago
Decrepit Cadaver
Dorso
Fahrenheit
Fireland
Massakre
Necrosis
Nuclear
Pentagram Chile
Poema Arcanus
Recrucide
Six Magics
Steelrage

Colombia
Kraken - Founded in 1983.
Parabellum
Ekhymosis
Agony
Koyi k utho
Internal Suffering
Inquisition
Masacre

México

Agora
Resorte

Puerto Rico
Puya
Severe Mutilation
Athaxia
D.O.D. (Dealers of death)
Abismo Nuclear
Dantesco
Nonpoint
Back In The Day
Pit Fight Demolition
Machete
Zafakon
Death Arrangement
Outbreak Hate
Sepulchral
Godless
Rodney Infernal
Massive Destruktion
Voracious
Matriarch
Waves of Serenity
Mantarraya

Venezuela

Laberinto
Gillman
Arkángel
Cultura Tres
Freddy Marshall

Kids Skills, Handy as a Parent

When I was a kid technology wasn't in so much abundance. When we wanted to have fun on a nice day we went outside. On the days that required more than one layer to survive , time outside was limited. The best days were when you can go outside and be creative , and get dirty. We traveled the neighborhood everyday like we discovered the area for the first time . There was no gaming system to hog all your time or, any of the social media crap to cloud your judgment and form your opinions for you. Only the fresh air and the world around you.

I had a particular set of skills that came in handy in the neighborhood . I could build a fort out of anything , anywhere I wanted. The size of the area did not matter , simply tell me where it should stand and I could make it happen. I built forts for all my friends and even some for kids i did not get a long with so well . I was the fort contractor.

 I'm and adult now and, no my fort building days are far from over. I don't build in the woods much anymore do to the fact that there isn't really a good wooded area near my house to do so. I am a dad and my kids love to build tents out of blankets and all that fun stuff. Recently I have found my self being a little bit of an over achiever. I brought home a good size box from work and made a fort for my son. He is happy with it and loves to play in it but, here comes the fort building kid in me. I can't help looking at this box fort and thinking about what it could be , MORE!

So my three year old son's box fort will have the following :

1. A cut out for a phone to act as a movie screen
2. An exhaust fan to pull out hot air
3. Lights mounted on the inside and outside 
4. Shelving for his drink and snacks 
5. and the list is growing...

Hopefully i can achieve greatness as did the following people.

 

What to do....What to do... So many Choices!!

One of the worst things that could happen during the work day!!! Your hungry and all the choices around you are pretty much the same or just worn out. That's what happening right now ! Like most, my current place of employment has a strip of asphalt lined with quick stop grease marts. For those that are a little more sophisticated , fast food facilities. Then there are the bolted to the ground not going anywhere cuisines, again for those that require proper terminology , staple cuisines. Yes, the food is good and will accomplish the goal that your body has required but, this is not so when your brain says hey shut up, I'm trying to decide!

So lets see the choices:

McDonald's

Burger King 

Wendy's

Taco Bell

Popeye's

Subway

Then there are the staple cuisines:

Asian

Pizza

soup and sandwiches

BBQ

Latino

and gas station food

These choices may do the trick but , there is one question to be answered!! 

Which one are you tired of the least!!

Just Stop Talking

Have you ever had those mornings where you are not quite ready to talk or carry on a conversation? That's usually not the case with me but , today that's how I feel. Its not specific to anyone person . For some reason I'm not ready for the questions or small talk.


I hear.....

Response.....

And how I  feel....

Like I said , how I feel this morning is not specific to anyone person. I'm sure i will be over this soon!!

Why Forgive if You Can Never Forget

When I was younger forgiving was easy , even though you didn't forget. I just wanted to have as many friends as possible even if they were not the best friend they could be to me. I was very accepting and knew that no one was perfect, not even me. You look at what you can do, where you can go , and all that is measured in fun, not friendship , or family. You form bonds , some as strong as family some as strong as the alcohol or drug you may consume together. That's just kids stuff though, we are still learning at that point . Being an adult facing the same things , minus the drugs and alcohol of course, the results are a lot different .

As an adult I Require fewer friends. This wasn't an over night achievement, more so a gradual reduction of useless weight on my life's journey . Which means the friends I have remaining and currently have, I consider family . We have our differences, which can sometimes lead to arguments but, like family it can't cause a divide.

The reason for this post is because I had a friend that was family to me and there was a falling out. Someone that she had brought into our lives and the lives of those around us decided to do something that was not acceptable by no means . When confronted, there was denial that slowly turned into a war of words . I simply asked for a time to talk about this and find out where to go from there. Like most people these days she only wanted to do this over the phone and the douche bag in question couldn't even grow a pair and talk to me. I offered several chances to fix things and nothing was done.

The final decision to part was when she decided to try to drive a wedge between me and my fiancee by making accusations. when that didn't work she then changed lanes and try to accuse my fiancee of things . Like the other attempts she was shut down and then decided to put the final nail in the coffin that contained possibilities to fix the situation and also our friendship. she decided to say that I was a shitty dad .

Say what you will about me but, keep my kids out of it. Its been two years and we haven't talked . She has contacted my fiancee a couple of times but made no attempt to talk or see her. Today she decided to text and say that her daughter misses us and wants to try to fix things. This to me is an insincere attempt to make amends. I feel she has burned other bridges and we are her rebound friends.

I have a hard time forgiving if things are taken to far. When you know what words can do the most damage to hurt another you tend not to use them if you care. For me, she used those words and chose someone she barley knew and , had fucked up royally , over the family bond she had formed with us.
I know I will never forget but, worse than that I don't think I can forgive.

Opportunity Minus the Brain

We have all heard the sayings, " There's no time like the present" , Why do tomorrow , what you can do today", or as Nike states " just do it". These statements are all pro active and meant to get you going. I don't believe they are aimed at lazy people to become motivated or ambitious rather, aimed towards those that have these attributes and just required that little post it note of momentary inspiration before they dive in head first.

We see examples of this in good and bad decisions. You know, the momentary thought you have before you do something . For instances , I know  this needs to be done but....... well , "there's no time like the present" , and boom your off to the races and the task is complete. Great , right? Then there is the down side. I know I shouldn't be doing this but......... "just do it", and Oh shit I shouldn't have done that , ouch it hurts, am I bleeding , Is it bad ? You left looking stupid, as well as other emotions i sure, with a lasting physical memory of how you applied a simple statement to the  thought process. We now know what opportunity minus the brain looks like.

Guess what? Hidden between the lines underneath that motivation and ambitious attitude lies the secret message! 

Wait for it........wait for it....... oh there it is....."Do it right the first time " !

This is where those with brains fall into the "minus brain arena" . My job it to take information given to me and use it to supply more detailed information so an issue can be resolved . This is easy to do when the people providing the information stay in the positive end of having brains. Everything that needs to be resolved is, in an orderly and fluid like fashion. When they start to evade those ever so popular sayings , you know the ones mentioned in the beginning of this post, things start to become difficult. so you try will good intention and your best foot forward to retrieve the information you require and you find a cavity forming in the skull. As the person speaks you see this cavity grow larger . Then there is the reasoning why they don't have the information or why they can not give it to you at that moment so you can resolve the now pressing issue.

All this time goes by and without a good reason , retarding the fluid like process that maintains a productive day. The next time you or anyone else are working towards a goal or are resolving and issue make sure all hands on deck are vaccinated for short term cavityskullatitus!! Treatment also includes doing it right the first time!

Survival of the Fittest at its Best

As parents we strive to teach our kids the best values , the best approach at life's challenges, and most of all try to protect them even when they are on their own . We can not be there for every decision to ensure they make the best/ safest one. We can not live there life for them . All we can do is teach them and pass on the knowledge and wisdom we have gained through our own struggles and short comings. There is just one problem........NATURAL FUCKING SELECTION!!!!!

What happens when survival of the fittest comes to play? The best/ brightest come out of the wood work but , don't be fooled by this, So does the dumbest/dimmest!

What the hell is wrong will kids these days? You have the duct tape challenge, dew shine ( not the actual mountain dew shine) , and kids holding each others arms and dangling off a building. These things are not exclusive to the United States, due to social media. The disease called , lackofcommonsenseatitis, and Dumbassatosis , spreads through the cables and engulfs the weak minded .


Let me explain!

The Duct Tape challenge .....

People are tied with Duct Tape  for three minutes, and in that time have to escape.  The challenge and reaction is recorded and the video posted to social media,  using the hashtag #ducttapechallenge.

Yeah , it doesn't sound that dangerous but, in recent news we heard about a teen that fell , hit his head , and ended up in the hospital with severe head injuries as well as others. 

Dew shine...

This is a mixture of Mountain Dew and racing fuel.

Not the actual Dew Shine produced by Mountain Dew

 Big difference!

Its obvious to most that only one of these is fit for human consumption. Yet again, there are those that just don't have the mental capacity to realize this. There are 4 deaths associated with this backyard rocket science experiment, so far.

That brings me to , hanging off of buildings. This is being done by teens in Russia. There is no name for this but it still makes this post because its right up there with the other two . I don't really think i have to explain this, it does that itself.

Just when you thought people where getting smarter and there was enough warning labels, natural selection takes a big bite! Lets face it the more we warn the riskier the attempts!

I Don't Care To Know

With all the breakthroughs in science and its many categories, and the benefits and non benefits they provide, I still don't care to know . Then there are the sayings , " you only live once" and " Life is too short " , and still I don't care to know.

I'm talking about knowing where it all started , where we come from , why we are here, where we are headed , and ultimately where do we go when we end and everyone else continues. I just don't care to really know. Why spend a lifetime, wondering if, we can looking around and enjoy whats here . The things that scientists didn't bring to life but, are just simply, here for science to wonder why. 

Walk outside and just listen , to the trees, the breeze that flows through them. Look up at the sky , and the clouds in it. 

.......Just look and listen..........Enjoy!!!