I Never Know What to Say

I'm 32 years old and have only  experienced close family death three times in my life. The first time  was when I was 4 , my uncle was killed by a drunk driver. He was eighteen years old . I was very close to him and he gave me my nickname. The second time was when I was 6, my cousin died . I don't remember how but he was only two years older than me . The third time was when I was 18 , my biological Grandfather died. He was an elderly man that had endured many medical issues.

I was really close to my uncle and my cousin but, not really close to my mothers father given the fact I didn't meet him until I was 15 and by that time he was more like a family patient rather than a grandfather. That's sounds kind of shitty but that's the truth. Being so young  I didn't really know what death was or how it effects people . I do miss my uncle and cousin very much and remember many moments that I had with them even if it was a short time.

I still don't know what it feels like to lose someone close to me that has been with me all my life. This leaves an unsettling feeling within me. What am I going to do say . How am I going to feel. Am ongoing to shut down or keep pushing forward with all the great memories. 

Since I lack the experience and knowledge, that this kind of natural occurrence brings , I am left speechless when others are going through it. I don't know what to say. I feel statements such as , i'm sorry for your loss, my thoughts and prayers are with you, etc, are a little to common and easy to say and sound like you pulling words from a fifty cent hallmark card. People may mean these things with the utmost sincerity but, it just feels hollow.

I feel that , for me, I don't know what to say because in my mind i wish there was something i could do or discover that would change the situation for the better. As we all know, in many situations that can't happen, no matter how hard we try or search for that solution.

I know there will be a day that i go through the struggle of losing someone close to me and, it makes me uneasy. When that day comes I don't know what mind set it will lead me to. I just hope I can be the strongest of the bunch to support my loves ones.