Now I have another feeling that I have never felt before that holds the same weight and gravity . Age of a loved one . For a lot of my youth I felt that I didn't belong in this world . I felt that my life had no purpose and my death would benefit all the people I know . I hated who I was , not me as a person but me as a whole . There was never any real reason for this other than a strong urge that my life was never meant to be . So yeah, like others I tried three times . Obviously I failed , in writing this now . How does this have anything to do with this new feeling ? Everything! While going through that terrifying time in my life my family was always there to pick me up . Of coarse I had to get on my own two feet but, they were always there . My grandfather has always been there for me . At every step, every big decision . He was there to give me advice and answer the questions that I myself couldn't answer . He taught me how to be a man . He showed me that life isn't so hard. He showed me that you should always have an answer for why . Always be available .
I love my grandfather very much ! He was always a strong man, mentally and physically. He was as healthy as any human being could possibly be . Here is where I struggle . During my time of self hate I never stopped to think about aging or death. Not even the things that could occur because of or during the again process. I knew everything comes to an end but, for me this was so far away . Now I am 32 and my grandfather 76 . He's not as strong as he used to be and instead of answers he now says I don't know . I'm having such trouble seeing this happen to him . Tonight I went over to talk to him and see how he was feeling . I watched the man that was so strong , look confused . Not sure of where he is , so it seemed . Taking small steps . I don't know where this part of my life is going to bring me . I have never seen nor have had anyone that I am close to and love so much go through this . Know what happens after all this scares me . Yes I am a father , a husband, a son , a grandson, a nephew , a cousin , and a friend . I still don't know how to handle this .
